I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
