I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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