Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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