I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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