I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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