I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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