life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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