Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
