Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
