I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
