I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
