How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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