when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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