I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
