I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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