Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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