a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
