Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
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You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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