Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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