I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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