I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
