I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
