i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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