be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
