How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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