My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
