Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
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whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
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I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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