Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
