I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
