Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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