I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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