At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
