the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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