my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
