Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
