so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
