dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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