I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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