My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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