when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish i was in the wii world.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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