Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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