dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
