Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
