one might say we're banned from that church
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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