I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
