mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
