do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
