I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
