we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
