a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
