This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
