Only a mothe r could love this liver
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
