I wannas sexs uuuuu
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i drank out of a bidet.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
