hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
