i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
