Michael Bay diarrhea
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
