I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun