I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'