I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.