i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.