i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
