somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My boob is missing a layer of skin
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
