is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
