I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
